The Moment I Really Didn’t Want to be Alive

When I first started this little side hustle, someone told me that in order to have a successful blog, you really need to be honest with what was happening in your life. And that’s what I have tried to do but as I sit here and write this, I’m already crying and I don’t know if I will publish it or not. I must have that mindset or else I would struggle to get the words out.

​I have been doing very well with ongoing recovery and frankly there haven’t been enough hours in the day with The Cool To Be Kind Project, Be More Mimi and Rodan and Fields. I am not complaining. I am loving every second and really don’t have any reason to be unhappy. I am doing what I have always wanted to do and that’s help others. Right now however, I feel I need the help.

​I haven’t had a panic attack in months but in the early hours of Saturday morning, it struck. I couldn’t breathe, focus, regulate my heart beat and I couldn’t stand for fear of going ass over tit. The feelings of helplessness were so bad that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. Wow. I just said that. I can feel my breathing slowing down.

​By the time Saturday morning arrived, I was doing better and managed to seem semi-together for Matt but as soon as he left for work, the panic started again. I couldn’t call because I feared that as soon as I started to cry, I wouldn’t be able to stop. So I wrote him a text message. It seemed easier for me but probably not easier for him once he read how badly I was actually feeling. The words back from him were so honest. “I don’t know what to say“. The rest is private but it’s the aforementioned words which I loved. There was no “you’ll be ok“, no “get some sleep, it’ll be better then“.

​Many of you are probably wondering what brought it on. I know exactly. The last week has been full of highs and lows. Many of the highs probably Easter / chocolate related. We had Easter at our house which was lovely, but I was knackered after nights with no sleep as I tried to make everything perfect. I painted 100 mini eggs in an effort to make the day a little bit better. I now see the day wouldn’t have changed with or without the presence of these fiddly little eggs now spread throughout the garden thanks to the afternoon wind.

I felt humbled when a lady who I think is incredible and are in the early days of a friendship told me, that she would be honoured to interview me.

I carried out my first peer support phone call from an old friend who reached out because of her impending hysterectomy. We realised that it’s close to 20 years since we were last in touch but it was like the old days and as if nothing had changed.

Another old colleague also reached out because of needing a new skincare product.

​The best thing this week was seeing my gorgeous niece turn one. We live in different parts of the country but I am honoured and blessed to be her Auntie. It’s amazing how quickly time passes. It’s hard to believe this little dot is now one. I hope she knows how much joy she is bringing to all our lives and how much she is loved and cared for. Thank God for FaceTime!

​It seemed like all the stars aligned but through every positive encounter, I felt like a failure. I have been hurt very badly by someone. I am not one to share specifics and because I am “kind” and “respectful” I won’t start now. It’s Sunday morning and another night of no sleep. When I do close my eyes, I have horrific nightmares. The most recent was having Mum and Dad killed in a car accident. Whether or not these nightmares are related I don’t know. My hurt is causing me to question trying to change the world. Why would I bother spreading kindness when the simplest of things goes unnoticed? Why is it people who live miles away are asking me how they can help? I am having people I wouldn’t expect asking me what’s in store for TC2BKP this week. These are the people I am doing it for. The ones who notice my posts, like a photo, drool over the five desserts I made on Easter Sunday just so I could see people smile. I understand that people are busy and have different priorities but in this case, my desire to help make people smile has disappeared because of how hurt I am.

​Will I recover? For sure. This is me. My rational self is telling me I’ve been through worse. “Don’t take it to heart” my brain is saying. I’m trying not to but in those moments of sheer terror when I can’t breathe and am faced with such horrible thoughts, I wonder where I went wrong. I’ve even written myself a note to read for when this feeling subsides. Quite simply it says “you can’t save everyone. Do what’s right for you and Matt. He’s your priority“.

​Most days, I feel okay that I am not a Mum. Really okay. Days like today though when I already feel like a failure brings all of the emotions to the surface. I spend time wondering what I did to be robbed of my dream to be a Mum. The hurt I have been feeling the last few days also uncovered a lightbulb moment. I’m not a Mum. I may never be a Mum. I can clearly now see how other people perceive me. Like there are certain “rules” that because I don’t have children, I neither know nor understand. I have more of an idea than most.

​In between starting to write this post and now, I casually started playing the latest podcast series featured on @realheidi and @rosierees. A collaboration between Heidi Anderson (Hit 92.9) and Rosie Rees (Perth’s expert relationship guru and founder of naked yoga in Australia). I’ll warn you right now that if you are prudish or think it’s something to listen to when your Grandparents are over, it’s not. What it is though, is brilliant. The content does not matter (note: it’s very, very sexual and very, very frank). What is important is two amazing women, bare their souls. They say things most people would never say to themselves let alone on a podcast. To get two ladies, both in the public eye, willing to share such secrets and willing to admit not having any idea about certain topics is refreshing.

​To Heidi and Rosie. It is thanks to you that I now have the courage to press publish. My sheer panic and my desire to take away the pain I was feeling, was replaced as I started to smile at Heidi’s innocence. The smile turned into a laugh, as if I was laughing with friends. This turned into tears and then inspiration as I listened to a lady who admitted to years of an eating disorder and self-harm. Although I have never self-harmed, I struggled with food for years. This individual needs to be so damn proud of where she is on her journey – thanks to Rosie’s naked yoga class – and although I heard her whole story, what resonated with me the most was hearing how she had grown to like the scars all over her arms, legs and stomach. To this listener: Thank you. I hope I turn out half as strong as you are.

​This post isn’t to point fingers or appoint blame. What it is meant to show is that even with all the positive comments I am getting, at the end of the day, I’m still human. I shouldn’t be afraid to tell people that I suffer from panic attacks and have the occasional irrational thought. This is me. Take it or leave it. When you look back on this period of your life, it isn’t about how you felt, what you wore or what you did for a job. It’s about what you learned and the people who stayed by your side. What have I learned about life? It. Goes. On.

​One final thank you for endless hugs and stupid jokes goes to my better half. I’m pretty sure having a hormonal and sad wife was meant to have disappeared with the hysterectomy. Or so they said.

Happy Sunday to you all.

​Love N xo

One reply on “The Moment I Really Didn’t Want to be Alive

  • Heidi

    You are a legend & I love your honesty! How great does it feel to be free of some of our thoughts? So therapeutic ❤️ Thank you for being your kind self & always supporting me! I appreciate more than you’ll ever know ❤️ love ya xxx

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