I don't know what to write about today After all the bullshit talk about being positive and saying, "you've got this" to so many people, what happens when I can't take my own advice?
It's one of those days when I don't want to be alive. Why? I have no idea except I feel like I'm failing in all aspects of life. Except I'm not.
I want to be with the people I have lost. Except I can't.
I failed in having a baby. Except it wasn't my fault.
I should love myself. Except there are days when I don't.
I tell everyone that I'm okay. Except I'm not.
I try to tell myself that everything will work out. Except I'm not sure what that is or if it will.
I want to be in Perth. Except I want to be in Adelaide.
I want to be with Mum and Dad and the family. Except I know I love my husband and my life as it is.
I sometimes go to Church and pray. Except I sometimes spend my whole time thinking about what it would be like to die.
I need to sleep. Except I don't want to sleep because whenever I wake up, I sometimes hate that I woke up in the first place.
I feel alone when the people I love most in the world don't ever pass comment or tell me they are proud of me. Except they probably don't know that I am hurt because I wouldn't pick up the phone and tell them.
I know I do everything I can to do things for everyone to make their lives better. I say I don't want anything in return. Except I do.
Like any sane human, I need to feel worthy. That I am appreciated. That what I do is making a difference. Except I sometimes feel that it is all a lie.
I killed a spider today and burst into tears because it wasn't kind.
I pick up rubbish when I am out because I don't want to risk someone seeing me walk past it and tell me that I wasn't practising what I preach.
Except I shouldn't care about what people I don't know think. Why? Because it's the people close to me that matter, not the people who choose to pass comment because they have nothing better to do.
I'm not famous, I don't want to be. I'm just Naomi. Scarred. Flawed. Different.
I don't want to change lives. I am changing lives.
I can't change the world. Except I can.